Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

DEMENTIA QUIZ – ONLY FIVE QUESTIONS!

Monday, February 10th, 2014

DEMENTIA  QUIZ  – ONLY TAKES FIVE QUESTIONS!

FIRST QUESTION:

YOU  ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE
THE SECOND  PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU  IN?

~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER :  IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,

THEN YOU ARE  ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE

SECOND PERSON AND  YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN

SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.

NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,

BUT DON’T  TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS

YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION,  OK?

SECOND QUESTION:

IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE….?

~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN

YOU ARE…..
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE

THE LAST  PERSON??

YOU’RE  NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?

THIRD QUESTION:

VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:

THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.

DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.

TRY IT.

TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD
30.

ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW  ADD ANOTHER
1000.

NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?

SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER…..

~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU GET 5000?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100…

IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!

TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

MAYBE  YOU’LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT….

MAYBE…

FOURTH QUESTION:

MARY’S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:

1.    NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI,  4. NONO, AND ???

2.   WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?

~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN’T.

HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!

OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,

I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO

REDEEM YOURSELF:

A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A

TOOTHBRUSH.

BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE

SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE

PURCHASE IS DONE.

 

NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A

PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES  HE INDICATE WHAT HE
WANTS?

~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~

IT’S REALLY VERY SIMPLE

HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT…

DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??

IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!

~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~

SHARE THIS TO FRUSTRATE THE

SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!

New Fleet of Destroyers and Manning Rules

Tuesday, September 3rd, 2013

The Department of Defense is proud to announce a new fleet of Class 69 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships USS Daring and USS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Congress, renamed them USS Cautious and USS Prudent. The next five ships are to be USS Empathy, USS Circumspect, USS Nervous, USS Timorous and USS Apologist. Costing $850 million each they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health and safety and human rights laws. The U.S. Navy fully expects any future enemy to be decent and to comply with the same high standards of our behavior.

The viewer-friendly exhaust stacks will be painted in the “gay pride” colors. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.  Stress counselors and lawyers will be on board, as will a union representative for each of the trades on board.

The crew will be 50% men and 50% women and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum of 40 hours per week per union rules on working hours, time and a half for overtime and double time on Sundays and holidays, even in wartime.

All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward and a gay disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by “Hi Sailor”.

All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages. Crew members will now have permission to grow beards and/or mustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

A majority of Senators have suggested a “non-specific” flag because the current “Stars and Stripes” may offend some Nations during port calls.

The newly re-named USS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by a Muslim cleric from the Washington, DC Mosque who will detonate a small explosive device near the hull. As she will gently slide into the sea the Marines Corp Band will play “In the Navy” by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on the East coast.

The President said, “Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from the U.N.”  His final words were, “I told you there would be “CHANGE!”

Dear Mr. President …

Tuesday, July 30th, 2013

Dear President Obama:

I’m planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me. We’re planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and we’ll need your help to make a few arrangements.

We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I’m sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, Mexican President Nieto that I’m on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. Please print all Mexican Government forms in English.

4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual) teachers.

5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school.

7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver’s license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico, but I don’t plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won’t make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my housetop, put U.S. flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.

13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.

14. I want to receive free food stamps.

15. Naturally, I’ll expect free rent subsidies.

16. I’ll need income tax credits so that although I don’t pay Mexican taxes, I’ll receive money from the government.

17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Government pays $4,500.00 to help me buy a new car.

18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program so that I’ll get a monthly income in retirement. I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all his people who walk over to the U.S. from Mexico . I am sure that the President of Mexico won’t mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

P.S.

Doesn’t this look CRAZY when you put it in writing??!!!

College Kid Humor

Friday, March 22nd, 2013

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I  kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

Lining Up Early For The Inaguration

Saturday, January 12th, 2013
 

 http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2J7DgxDqfGY/UK_CPzDaMBI/AAAAAAAAbww/grZi2ngjan8/s640/sheeple.jpg

Al Qaeda Disbands; Says Job of Destroying U.S. Economy Now in Congress’s Hands

Sunday, January 6th, 2013

Al Qaeda Disbands; Says Job of Destroying U.S. Economy Now in Congress’s Hands

WASHINGTON —The international terror group known as Al Qaeda announced its dissolution today, saying that “our mission of destroying the American economy is now in the capable hands of the U.S. Congress.”

In an official statement published on the group’s website, the current leader of Al Qaeda said that Congress’s conduct during the so-called “fiscal-cliff” showdown convinced the terrorists that they had been outdone.

“We’ve been working overtime trying to come up with ways to terrorize the American people and wreck their economy,” said the statement from Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri. “But even we couldn’t come up with something like this.”

Mr. al-Zawhiri said that the idea of holding the entire nation hostage with a clock ticking down to the end of the year “is completely insane and worthy of a Bond villain.”

“As terrorists, every now and then you have to step back and admire when someone else has beaten you at your own game,” he said. “This is one of those times.”

The Al Qaeda leader was fulsome in his praise for congressional leaders, saying, “We have made many scary videos in our time, but none like the U.S. Congress”.

As for the future of Al Qaeda, the statement said that it would no longer be a terror network but would become “more of a social network,” offering reviews of new music, movies and video games.

Obama – 4th best president ever?

Friday, December 7th, 2012

Would you believe that he is rated as the 4th best?

Obama 4th best president ever.

I was just reading that after less than 4 years, Obama has been rated the 4th best president ever:

Reagan and 9 others tied for first,

15 presidents tied for second,

and 18 other presidents tied for third.

Obama came in fourth.

AFL-CIO Supports Somali Pirates

Monday, February 28th, 2011

AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka and his entourage are on their way to Somalia to organize the Pirates. Trumka has stated that “These poor hardworking Somalis are victims of repression and deserve union representation. We must bring economic justice to the Somali workplace. The capitalist/infidels invading Somalia are reprehensible and must be met with union solidarity.”Trumpka met with President Obama on Friday in the Oval Office to discuss foreign military aid options for the Somali Pirates.

Political History 101

Monday, January 17th, 2011

For those that don’t know the truth about world history … Here is the condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to where the beer was. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so out of necessity, our early ancestors had to stay close to the breweries …That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement..

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history!

Favorite Movie Test

Tuesday, December 28th, 2010

This is pretty amazing … I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don’t look at the movie list till you have done the math!Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of the following films you would enjoy the most. Don’t ask me how, but it really works!

Movie Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of movies below.

Movie List:

1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Defeat of Obama in 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story