(1) “Press 1 for English“ is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait at the border until you can.
(2) We will immediately enter a two year isolationist period to help straighten out the world’s crappy attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the ‘Walmart’ philosophy, ‘If we ain’t got it, you don’t need it.’
(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it, possibly offset by a fair and balanced trade arrangement.
(4) Our military will man the many observation towers that we will construct on the southern border. They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.
(5) The primary social security administration objective will be immediately reinstated. If you didn’t put nuttin in, you ain’t gettin nuttin out. Neither the president nor any other politician will be able to touch it.
(6) Welfare – Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the mandatory 40 hour work week (unless infirmed). Successful completion of urinalysis is required.
(7) Professional Athletes — Steroid use is a problem for you? Good! It’s none of the federal government’s damned business what you do. No more “Congressional Hearings” wasting the taxpayers time. That is the job of local law enforcement, the NFL, NBA, MLB, etc.
(7) (a) Ditto for “corporate executives”. Congress couldn’t operate an ice cream store in a fat camp. The private sector, i.e., the stockholders are best able to determine whether or not their employees are overpaid.
(8) Crime – We will adopt a more fair code for criminals. Many of the “technicalities” that allow criminals to go free will be modified. Look for harsher MANDATORY minimum sentences for most serious crimes and more death sentences for murderers and rapists. The victims’ families will be offered the opportunity to pull the switch. More gun freedom for law abiding citizens, and TRIPLE the sentences for criminals utilizing a firearm in the commission of a crime.
(9) Terrorism – Any nation that harbors terrorists will be held to account, finacially and/or militarily, believe me, they will. Any nation that stonewalls our efforts to root out terrorists within their borders will be classified, and treated as a terror state. Why not? If they are protecting terrorist, they IS one!
(9) Tort Reform – No more $15 million awards for spilling hot coffee in your own lap. Nuisance lawsuits? You lose, you pay. Nuisance lawsuit serial offender? The wrath of Kahn will rain down upon you like hellfire.
(10) One national export will be allowed, that being wheat. We understand that the world needs to eat. We are a very kind and generous people. However, a bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.
(11) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the savings will be utilized to pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, individual Americans and corporations always step up to the plate and contribute more than some entire nations.
(12) The Congress and Senate will be limited to ONE TERM ONLY. That is what the founding fathers envisioned – Politicians serving out of a sense of patriotism and selflessness, not GREED! Serve your term, then go back home and get a real job.
(13) The Pledge of Allegiance will be recited every day at every public school and every day in Congress.
(14) The National Anthem may be freely played without fear of reprisal at any ceremony, sporting event or public function.
(14)(a) Likewise on Christian symbols and Nativity Scenes. They, just like a menorah or other symbol of Judeo Christian faith may be freely displayed on public property.
If I stepped on anyone’s toes, it means that we could never be friends anyway, so tough tootie.
I am Ed, and I approved this message!
God Bless America !!!!!!!!!!!